I should have kept my knickers on

In an effort to keep my tan I have been going to the Sun Bed. I started off quite sensibly at 8 minutes, once a week. Then I decided to go twice a week. And then I decided 10 minutes would be better. Getting greedy, I then decided the premium Sun Bed would be so much better.“Want to go back to 8 minutes?” says the friendly, all-over tanned young lady at the front counter. “No, 10 is good.” says I who knows so much about sun beds.

Now in the beginning, I kept my knickers on (as they say in Britain). But then I decided I would just look so much better with an overall tan, so took to lying there for my blissful 8 minutes (later 10) completely nude.

“Well” says tanned young lady “As you are the first client today, I’ll give you 11 minutes but let it warm up for a minute and then hop in.” Wow... a free minute!!! Need to take advantage of that for sure.

Now I did remember the advice of turning off the face-tanning part after “two songs have played” and I do stick to that. After all, who wants to look like a lobster? So after today’s allotted 11 minutes, I get dressed, sign up for another session on Tuesday, and leave. Funny thing though, on the way out I see a large sign in the window:

In Case of Emergency Phone:
555-555-5555

Why would anyone ever have an emergency standing outside the suntan place?

So my day continues in a hum drum Saturday kind of way and later I decide I’m cold and need a warm bubble bath. Go upstairs and into the bathroom and get undressed - as one does before getting in the bath. Now there is rather a large mirror in my bathroom and in it I can see much of myself. And I look. And I look again. And I now see the drawbacks of tanning on a Sun bed as opposed to being on a beach in the Seychelles. My front is red. Like a lobster. My backside is.....very red (like two lobsters). EXCEPT.....well I guess when you lie on a Sun bed, you only get tanning rays straight up or down from all those tubes they have in there. No sideways rays. I have a 1" wide white stripe down the middle of each cheek of my backside. And I have one boob that is going to be tanned and one that is only going to be half-tanned. And I should definitely have kept my knickers on because I have been sunburnt where no one should ever be sunburnt. All I can say is thank goodness I’m not a male!!!!!!